Andrew Gilman

Have you ever sat next to this guy?

Oklahoma head coach Lincoln Riley gestures from the sidelines during an NCAA college football spring intrasquad game in Norman, Okla., Saturday, April 14, 2018. (AP Photo/Sue Ogrocki)
Have you ever sat next to this guy?

More than 52,000 people were at the Oklahoma Spring Game yesterday, and by all accounts, it probably could have been more, if not for high winds and low temperatures.

And by all accounts, if you went to the Oklahoma Spring Game or even just went to the Oklahoma Spring Game, you probably sat next to this guy …

The guy who gets upset when someone else is sitting in their season ticket seats: it’s fine. No big deal. This is a practice, not a game. Come back in September, buddy. Those seats will be there, and you can bring your crappy chair-back, and be happy. For now, it’s OK. Everyone paid $10. They can sit where they want.

“Run the damn ball,” guy: This isn’t the fourth quarter of a game where your team is up by 14 points. It doesn’t matter if they burn the clock or don’t. Everything is scripted here, including your battle cry, which you undoubtedly feel the need to holler at every game.

“This play calling is horrible,” guy: He’s cousins with “Run the damn ball,” guy, yet is more aggressive and also is the smartest guy in the stadium, pointing out that it makes no sense to pass it when the safety has rolled over and the defense is sitting back like it is. All of this done with no regard to the fact that the entire “game” is a practice.

“It’s pretty obvious from what we’re seeing here, this team is gonna be a lot better,” guy: Not to pile on the guy who’s super-positive, but this is silliness. This kind of statement usually comes right before, during, or after, he mentions he’s just, “ya, know, so happy to see some actual football again. It’s been forever.” That’s the thing. It’s not actual football and anyone who is telling you they can pull any real data out of a controlled practice is wildly optimistic and blindly devoted. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

“You can tell, the defense is ahead of the offense,” guy:  Yes, we realize there’s a requirement that someone offers up the same, standard football cliches at any football game, practice or gathering, but this one is a staple of practice games everywhere. Meanwhile, no one actually knows if it’s true or not.

“Not tackling the quarterback? What? That’s not a real game,” guy: We know, back in your day, everyone played hard, every snap, every play, and that you practiced for five hours a day, eight days a week, and of course no one ever got hurt. Save it. No one really needs to explain to you the downside of actually getting a starter hurt, right?

“There’s no way there’s 52,000 people here, my school has way more people at its Spring Game,” guy: As if the population at a Spring Game is some sort of barometer for true fans or a good team, there’s always a guy, mind you, watching on TV, who has the ability to not only accurately assess the amount of people present, but to do at the same time as telling you his school is way better. “I promise you, at Texas A&M, there was more people and that pretty much tells you that we have a better team,” he says. It’s a skill. Not a very good one or marketable one, but it’s a skill. Sorta.

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